Sitting here at my desk, having worked this week at preparing my Sunday Morning message, I'm reflecting on the quality of my work, yes I have spent 5 years of full-time Theological study, I had brilliant proffesors at the Baptist Theological college of Southern Africa and before that at Johannesburg Bible Institute, I have been constantly preparing and preaching messages for a number of years, mostly six messages a week sometimes more and lately a lot less. I have a reasonable library of books behind me, some pretty "heavy-weight" ones at that, I still have my mind, and a half-decent one in working condition, not as good as it once was, but sharp enough, I have been in Pastral ministry for most of the last 20 years, I have read the Scriptures countless times, and yet, why is it that I am so disturbed, so uneasy everytime I finish my preparation?
I think because I come under conviction that at the end of everything, if it is all "boiled down" I am just a common garden variety of sinner at heart, Yes I have my faith in Christ, but I have absolutely no faith in myself whatsoever, I know myself as well as I want to, and know my deep inner untrustworthines, my inner wreck of a thought-life, a mind so easily distracted by the things and ways of the world, I am weary of myself, of failing the Lord all the time, failing my Wife and family, failing the Church, failing myself.
The marvel is that He has chosen to use such a frail vessal in His service, that astonishes me everyday of my life, His grace to me, a totally undeserving sinner.
Gary,
ReplyDeleteI have found many times that the messages that we feel most prepared and comfortable with to tell others do not always have the impact than the messages we feel less comfortable with. I am not referring to sermons of course, having never given one; but many times in talking with people who have questions, the best feedback usually came when there was inadequate time to prepare a good answer. Your messages have taught me and spoken to me many times, and I know for a fact that others in the church have been blessed also.
Chip