Sitting here at my desk, having worked this week at preparing my Sunday Morning message, I'm reflecting on the quality of my work, yes I have spent 5 years of full-time Theological study, I had brilliant proffesors at the Baptist Theological college of Southern Africa and before that at Johannesburg Bible Institute, I have been constantly preparing and preaching messages for a number of years, mostly six messages a week sometimes more and lately a lot less. I have a reasonable library of books behind me, some pretty "heavy-weight" ones at that, I still have my mind, and a half-decent one in working condition, not as good as it once was, but sharp enough, I have been in Pastral ministry for most of the last 20 years, I have read the Scriptures countless times, and yet, why is it that I am so disturbed, so uneasy everytime I finish my preparation?
I think because I come under conviction that at the end of everything, if it is all "boiled down" I am just a common garden variety of sinner at heart, Yes I have my faith in Christ, but I have absolutely no faith in myself whatsoever, I know myself as well as I want to, and know my deep inner untrustworthines, my inner wreck of a thought-life, a mind so easily distracted by the things and ways of the world, I am weary of myself, of failing the Lord all the time, failing my Wife and family, failing the Church, failing myself.
The marvel is that He has chosen to use such a frail vessal in His service, that astonishes me everyday of my life, His grace to me, a totally undeserving sinner.
